Fayza A. Elmostehi

Okay, so.

You know that thing that happens when you’re, like, an aspiring-columnist-slash-accidental-reporter-turned-reluctant-marketer one day, and the next day, you’re swimming in the blissfully calm waters of dinosaurs and science and geekery galore?

Yeah, well, you don’t have to answer that question. You don’t even have to know what that means. Because I know exactly what happens. The answer: You stop writing.

I don’t write much at all these days. I mean to, I realize I’m still able, but I just don’t. My motivation to write feels purposeless and shallow. Like I simply want to put a few paragraphs on the screen for the sake of seeing my words on the screen.

Hell, we can all do that. Not that we all should. I’d like to strip blogging rights from half of America (and that’s thinking with my compassionate heart), truth be told.

But no words feel like my words these days. I created and conjured the disjointed thoughts behind them, but somehow, something is preventing me from actually taking ownership of those words.

Maybe it’s because I spent most of the blogging heyday talking about myself, and now that I don’t have anything of substance to write about, I’m really sick of talking about myself. In fact, I’d much rather talk about you and your problems than anything me-related. Of course, everything I write eventually circles back to being me-related, but experience truly is the best fodder.

I used to write an advice column. I particularly enjoyed that role. Me, cluck-clucking you, judging you ever so slightly (c’mon, you deserved it a little), smacking you around (with a padded bat, okay?), and then sending you off to fend for yourself in your merry life by patching you up with my seasoned knowledge. That was pleasant. But I don’t do that much anymore. And by “much” I mean “at all.”

So what now? What do I say? What do I write about if there’s nothing to write about?

I can’t fight this feeling of inspirational mediocrity anymore. Fix it.

(Column originally published here.)

Why, hello there. It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? I could blame it on you, but let’s be frank with each other — mama’s got a brand new bag. No, I’m no longer a full-time CultureMapper, in case you actually have a life outside Twitter and Facebook and hadn’t heard the dish.

But pick that chin up off the floor! I may have relocated my physical prowess down the street to the best museum on the planet (I’m not biased, I swear), but my virtual treasure trove of advice is right where you left that bookmark.

Turn that frown upside down, folks. Dear Fayza is here to stay.

And what better to re-ignite our bimonthly ritual than a very serious, very personal matter: Life after a life-threatening diagnosis?

Now that’s what they call “hitting the ground running.”

Dear Fayza,

My boyfriend and I were starting to talk about marriage. We went for an HIV test, and he came out positive — and I came out negative.

I love my boyfriend very much and I believe we are soulmates. I don’t think I can stand the idea of him being with someone else, so I have decided to stick with him. 

However, my friends are totally against it. They have laid out the pros and cons for me that have now made me confused and afraid. I truly love my boyfriend and he also feels the same way. I want his babies. 

If I go on with this, will our sex life be exciting? Will we be able to have children together?

- Discordant Diagnosis

Dear Discordant,

First of all, congratulations are in order to you for finding someone you love that feels mutually and wants to make that pie-in-the-sky commitment to you. Despite what the most bitter, disdainful hearts have to say about it, the emotion of true love kinda sorta really does make the world go ’round.

But a diagnosis like this can leave you wondering just how long that “lifelong” undertaking may actually be.

I’ve answered a question similar to yours before, but the relationship was merely budding and blooming. I’m assuming, if you’re discussing marriage, you’ve been together for far longer than a few hot dates. In fact, your heart is not only dangling from your sleeve, but it’s more ripe for the picking than a field of freesia in the summertime.

What’s OK for you may not be OK for your friends. And guess what? That’s still perfectly OK.

At this point, you’re in, and you’re in deep (no, uh, pun intended). Abstaining from sex simply isn’t an option, unless you foresee a future for the two of you in neighboring houses of piety, hoping a divine act will deem you the second coming of the Virgin Mary. Stamping out your sex life and putting plans for progeny on hold simply won’t happen.

Like they always say, where there’s a will, there’s a way, right? I happen to think so.

I should explain that I’m no doctor, so I can’t sway your hand in good faith. But you don’t need a doctor to straighten your thoughts. Focusing on the facts — not the fears — is the most important step you can take to determining what sort of future you have as a wife to this man and the mother of his children.

So do your research. Find out what strain of the virus he carries. Find out when and in what situations he’s most likely to transfer the virus to you — and when he isn’t. What if bearing his children isn’t an option? Is he worth a lifetime of careful, orchestrated sex? Are you willing to die for this man — literally? Education is your primary salvation in being true to with yourself, your health, and your expectations.

Your friends are not in this relationship — you are. Dismiss them. I’m sure their concerns are valid to some degree. But I’ve also got faith that you’re also a grown woman with the wherewithal to make your own decisions. You determine the extent of what you can handle with his illness. You define what risks you’re willing to take in the name of love.

What’s OK for you may not be OK for your friends. And guess what? That’s still perfectly OK.

But I will tell you one thing definitively: If you’re staying with him because you can’t stand the idea of someone else calling him her main squeeze, you might want to push pause on your sugar plum visions. Loving a man with a terminal prognosis is no light-hearted, will-our-sex-life-suck matter.

Other than making sure you fully understand what you’re getting yourself into, make sure you understand the depth of your love for this person. There may be no turning back once you enter into his danger zone, and if you’re not honest with yourself now about the way you feel about him, you may be carelessly jeopardizing your own existence and gravely regretting a hasty decision in the future.

No one person in this world is perfect. We’re human. We all have our flaws, our skeletons, our baggage. When we intertwine our lives with a love interest, we involuntarily shoulder those human qualities as burdens and responsibilities of our own.

Sometimes, they’re more than we can fathom, and they’re more than we bargained for. But no one else can decide what’s best for you or me — except you and me.

Cheers,
Fayza

I always wear my heart on my sleeve for my readers. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. I’m completely honest about my love for you. I’ll never deny you the truth.

(Column originally published here.)

Being single is awesome. But that’s mostly because modern dating is draconian.

(Column originally posted here.)

‘Tis the season of your wallet’s folly!

I know there’s nothing like some juicy holiday cheer to completely drain the dinero to the very bottom of your bank account. You’ll think about it in January, right? But for now, PRESENTS!

Fickle finances, however, aren’t season specific. Spastic spending that spans the entire year is often worse — and further reaching — than binge buying in November and December.

But what happens when you mix a budding romance with bad bookkeeping? That’s what this week’s letter writer wants to know.

Dear Fayza,

I recently met this really amazing guy. He’s fun, funny, and we have a lot of similar interests. So far, we’re having the best time together.

There’s only one thing that isn’t cool with me. He owes a lot of money because of some bad investments he made, he doesn’t save any money at all, and he has nothing saved for retirement.

I, on the other hand, am very good with money. I save, I pinch, and I invest. The fact that someone could be so financially irresponsible at our age freaks me out.

It actually really bothers me. Should I consider this a dealbreaker?

- Fiscally Responsible
Dear Fiscally,

My, my — you really are responsible, aren’t you? The first few weeks of an amorous relationship should be carefree! Blissful! Filled with cloudy judgment and an overabundance of irritating exclamation points! But, tsk tsk, you had to go and mix reality into the heady cocktail.

Good for you.

We’re not kids anymore. (Well, I’m assuming you’re not — what kids think about finances past what’ll get them wasted at the bar?) We don’t leap with abandon like we used to — and frankly, we really shouldn’t. We don’t have time to waste screwing around — especially time which we spend in passionate partnerships.

I can’t blame you for looking ahead, and evaluating whether or not these are characteristics that you want in a boyfriend moving forward.

But slow your roll for just a second. It’s a little too soon for this to be an outright dealbreaker already.

Relationships — and the people in them — aren’t static. We change. Often, our greatest personal growth comes from what we learn from another human being that we truly care about, respect and love. It’s the reason I’ve learned how to make an omelette, clean and lube a bike chain and answer the question, “What’s wrong?” with a response other than, “Nothing . . .”

I tell you, mutual admiration will make you do the craziest things — even learn how to man up on your monetary obligations. It’s pretty Pollyanna positive of me, but I speak from personal experience.

However. (Yes, however.) I can’t guarantee it.

The willingness to learn must independently exist within him — because you’re certainly not changing this man if he’s not interested in making the change himself.

You’ll figure that out — with time. I’m not saying this is something you should’ve already gleaned from your fledgling relationship. That’s why I can’t tell you that this is a dealbreaker — yet.

You have to give yourself a chance to get to know him, assess his character, and figure out whether or not he simply doesn’t know how to rectify the errors of his ways — or if he’s truly juvenile when faced with his very adult responsibilities.

If he’s too financially flippant for it to compute with you, you’re savvy enough to know that his habits will have a profound impact on you, should your separate colonies merge to form a more perfect union.

Money is the No. 1 thing couples fight about according to every glossy rag at every checkout counter in every grocery store in every corner of America. Having compatible financial philosophies is one major, majorcomponent in turning mere affinities into lifelong allegiances.

For now? It’s really too soon to write him off just yet. But be patient, be cognizant, and ultimately, be honest with yourself based on what you can or can’t handle moving forward. Do your due diligence, and trust your gut to make the judgment call for you.

We’re too old to be doing anything impulsively — including not giving a decent guy a shot at your heart. But we’re also too old to be dicking around once we’ve tempered our own fantasies with undeniable realities, too.

Asking for advice from me is the best financial investment you’ll ever make. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. It’s the most positive ROI you can get.

(Column originally published here.)

Americans work, and we work hard (well, if you equate hours worked to effort levels, that is). It’s pretty startling to think that we spend more time with our coworkers than our loved ones.

But at 40 hours per week — or more —they’re often more “family” than the ones with whom we share blood.

And just like family, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your coworkers. You do have to peacefully coexist with them, though.

But what if you try, try, and don’t succeed? What if a coworker has it out for you? That’s what our letter writer this week wants to know.

Dear Fayza,

I have been at my job for six and a half years, and I finally became an assistant manager.

Now one of the other assistant managers is out to make me look like I don’t know what I’m doing. Every mistake she makes, she somehow blames me. When you try to talk to her about anything, she bullies you and intimidates you.

How should I handle her without having to tattle to our boss all the time?

- Sick of Being a Scapegoat

Dear Scapegoat,

Congratulations on your promotion. You’ve been recognized and honored for your diligence, dedication and competence in your profession. It sounds like it was a long time coming. Good for you.

Except, of course, that now the Wicked Witch of the Workplace is trying to undermine all of your excellent achievements.

Let her huff and puff. But I’m not going to let her blow your straw house down.

It’s clear your new counterpart feels threatened by your recent ladder climb. By bullying and intimidating you, she’s asking for conflict, perhaps hoping you’ll shoot yourself in your own foot in your new position.

You’ve heard the expression, “Kill ‘em with kindness.” Well, in that vein, I want you to tranquilize her with teamwork.

Disclaimer: I’m certainly not discouraging you from standing up for yourself. Hell, I’d never do a thing like that. You should never take the blame for mistakes you didn’t make. That tarnishes your reputation, and I would never advise keeping mum just to keep the peace.

Barring that, instead of passively putting up with what she’s aggressively dishing, you’re going to have to confront the beast head on. It might be painful, but being direct is the only way you’re going to slay the dragon.

The next time she unleashes her witchy wrath upon you — as she inevitably will — turn the tables. Say things like, “How can we make this better?” and “What do you think the best solution would be?”

I know you’ve heard the expression, “Kill ‘em with kindness.” Well, in that vein, I want you to tranquilize her with teamwork.

Letting her know that you’re interested in resolving the conflict instead of perpetuating it will bring her guard down. It’s not you against her, and youknow that. Now you have to show her. The way you repackage her cowardly manipulation tactics will speak volumes in proving that to her.

And you’d be amazed at what will happen once you get her to view you as an ally instead of a threat.

If that strategy doesn’t humanize her, don’t be afraid of the big bad management. It’s not “tattling” if you’ve exhausted the possibilities of being civil and willing to compromise — just be sure that you have.

If you’ve made a good faith effort to remedy the situation between you two and you’re still butting heads, turning to management should be the next natural step. With whom management sides and how it deals with the situation will give you an inside look at the integrity of your superiors and the value it places on its staff — all while giving you a good idea of your own longevity with the company as well.

You don’t have to like everyone you work with, but you do have to get along with them. Diplomacy is the fine art of dealing with people in a a sensitive and effective way — and I know you’re more than capable of doing that.

Cheers,
Fayza

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose and you can also pick your advice columnist. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below, and you won’t be sorry you picked me.

(Column originally published here.)

You’ve probably heard it more times than you care to admit: Relationships aren’t easy. Between compromise and growing together and making both yourself and each other happy, relationships can be quite painful indeed.

We’re often ready for the emotional sacrifice it takes to make a relationship work. But what if there’s physical pain involved?

What if the relationship you enter into could threaten your life? Is the possibility of bodily harm worth the risk of that relationship?

Well, that’s what this week’s letter writer is asking himself.

Dear Fayza,

I’m a gay man, and the guy I’m seeing told me last night he’s HIV-positive. I was tested, and will be tested again in three months. So far, I’m negative.

We’ve been safe, so I’m not worried about that. But it was hard to be told after a few weeks of hanging out, “I am poz.”

We don’t know where we’re going, so this is quite a speed bump. Do I continue on in this relationship, or do I end things before I get in too deep?

- I’m Negative, He’s Not

Dear Negative,

Kudos to you for handling such a serious situation like the adult you are. Instead of running away in blind fear and ignorance, you’ve stopped to take a moment to reclaim the knee-jerk, assess the facts, reflect and thenreact.

You’re a bigger person than most for getting this far. But that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stick it out just because your head is still attached to your shoulders. You’re not a bad person if you decide that these circumstances really aren’t for you.

But since it seems you have yet to choose a path to conquer your emotional crossroads, I can help you weigh your options.

I’m glad you’ve already figured out that you can be sexually involved with this mister without compromising your immune system. While that’s all well and good, have you ever considered abstaining altogether — at least for a little while? You’ve only been dating for a few weeks. Wouldn’t holding off hurt less, at this point, than pressing on?

Look, you don’t have to tell me that sex is one of the finer things in life. But until you get to know each other better — namely, until you’ve decided whether this man is worth the possible risk of contracting HIV — maybe you ought to put the love making on hold indefinitely.

OK, OK, who am I fooling? I’m no George W. Bush, and you’re no purity ring bearer. I had to throw the sexless thing out there, but I didn’t really think you were going to go for it.

Since celibacy’s seemingly off the table, let’s talk about what you can and should do — your research. This is sex ed like your junior high health teacher couldn’t handle. In what activities can you engage with him and still be deemed in the clear? What strain of the virus does he have? What life expectancy is associated with it? What treatments will he have to undergo? What will be the side effects? What are the financial costs associated with living with HIV?

Read, read, and read some more. And after you have all the hard facts, don’t dismiss the gray areas in your gray matter. Your emotions count for something here, too.

Relationships are always an investment — whether short-term or long-term — on which we’ll never see a return, if and when they don’t work out. HIV or not, you’ll never know the outcome of any relationship from the outset. You just put all your eggs in that basket, and hope for the best.

Can you handle the reality that your partner carries a virus that will (eventually) end his life? Can you be emotionally strong when treatment or this disease make him physically weak? What happens if you contract it? Is it acceptable that sex will never, ever be completely spontaneous? Are you ready to cushion the burden of the inevitable (and unfair) societal stigma on HIV-positive men?

If I had the answers, I’d give them to you. But I’m no doctor, I’m no clairvoyant, and I’m no fool — and I can’t make such significant judgment calls for you.

So I’ll say this: Relationships are always an investment — whether short-term or long-term — on which we’ll never see a return, if and when they don’t work out. HIV or not, you’ll never know the outcome of any relationship from the outset. You just put all your eggs in that basket, and hope for the best.

Things could end in two days, two months, two years, or two decades (a la Magic Johnson) — relationships don’t come prepackaged with expiration dates or commitment agreements. Sometimes it simply doesn’t work out, but sometimes the causes are beyond our control. Car accidents happen. Cancer happens. Suicide happens. War happens. We don’t have a crystal ball to know what the future holds. All we can do is move forward with what we do know.

Is it better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all? Only you can honestly answer that question for yourself. But if we lived each day in fear of what would happen the next, we wouldn’t really do much living at all, would we?

Cheers,
Fayza

Whether it threatens your real life, your social life, or anything in between, I can handle it — I’m multifaceted. Send an e-mail toadvice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. Life is short. Consult with me first.

(Column originally published here.)

As the weather (finally!) begins to chill and the holidays draw nearer, we start to focus inward a bit more — on the hearth and the home. And when outsiders mess with our domestic structure — as nontraditional as it may be — we don’t take kindly to the kibitzing.

In this modern world, the idea of the familial unit is ever evolving. But what happens when some relationships simply cannot co-exist?

Let’s check in with this week’s letter writer to find out.

Dear Fayza,

I have been divorced for two years, and separated for three.

My ex-husband has had nine girlfriends in those three years. The latest one is the first one that gets into the middle of our arguments.

I have told her nicely that it is none of her business. Now she still gets in the middle and talks bad about me in front of my son.

What should I do?

- So Stressed Out

Dear So Stressed,

Pardon my inability to focus on the issue at hand for a moment, but ninegirlfriends in three years? Um, that’s a new girlfriend every 122 days. What, does he fall in love with every female cashier, gas station attendant, and waitress he meets? Guess no one could call him conservative with the use of that “girlfriend” moniker, eh?

While I’m impressed with his track record — whereby “impressed” means “skeeved,” by the way — meddlesome Girlfriend No. 9 isn’t at the crux of your woes.

Your ex is.

You may be divorced, but you’re still on the same team — Team Our Son. You can’t regulate how your ex lives his life, but you’re parenting this little boy together — and you have just as much say as your ex does when it comes to what’s best for the boy.

Your former husband, not his bossy broad (who will, rest assured, be history in about four months anyway), is the one to blame here.

The only thing you and his seasonal ale have in common is him. He, as the middleman, dictates the direction of the relationship between the old and new squeeze.

And he’s doing a piss-poor job in his role.

As both his ex-wife and the mother of his child, he should afford you a certain degree of respect. Even if things ended badly, the existence of your son ensures that you’ll be connected for the rest of your lives. He owes it to you to help make that ongoing relationship bearable, at best.

But with a revolving door of women in his — and, by association, your son’s — life, and letting No. 9 talk to and about you as if you’re no better than the other eight she preceded, I’m beginning to question a lot more than his choice of bed buddies.

I’ve got to ask the elephant-in-the-room question here. Is your ex really fit for co-rearing your son?

The attorney in me thinks it might be worth it to revisit his visitation rights and custodial privileges. No, I’m certainly not recommending you threaten to strip him from seeing his son. That would be manipulative of you, and I forbid you from using your child as leverage. You’re above cowardly tactics like that.

But all things considered, would a court of law consider your ex a good father? Would the environment to which he subjects your son be considered a healthy one?

I can’t make those determinations. Neither can you. My dusty JD wants to use the law as a crutch when in doubt.

But even I can admit that crying courtroom shouldn’t be your first resort.

Before you go that far, speak with your ex — candidly, rationally, logically. You may be divorced, but you’re still on the same team — Team Our Son. You can’t regulate how your ex lives his life, but you’re parenting this little boy together — and you have just as much say as your ex does when it comes to what’s best for the boy.

It doesn’t matter who your ex shacks up with. But it does matter what he’s exposing your child to. A litany of temporary stepmothers and unnecessary mommybashing? What kind of behavior is his father’s example going to incite in your son in the future?

Your ex’s actions will have repercussions — ones you’ll both be dealing with. But you can and should handle these issues to arrive at a mutually agreeable decision — for the well-being of your son.

But until you and your ex have come to an understanding, I think it’s best that there’s no more direct dealing between you and No. 9. Ask your ex to leave her at home (or wherever she dwells) when he picks up or drops off your son. Don’t leave messages with her when she answers his cell phone. Don’t discuss her in anything but a positive light with your son.

Minimize your interactions with her as much as you can. Be polite but distant when No. 9 is unavoidable. For now, you deal with him, and him only … and wait a few more weeks until she’s replaced by a perhaps more congenial No. 10.

I’m crossing my fingers for February.

Your business is all of my business. But I won’t talk badly about you in front of anyone. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. Your revolving door of bad advice ends with me.

(Column originally published here.)

October in Houston certainly is lovely, isn’t it?

The persistent heat finally gives way to pleasant, breezy days. The crowded, air-conditioned dining rooms give way to open, sprawling patios.

And the clothing gives way to a whole lot of voluptuous vistas.

Dear Fayza,

I’m invited to a bunch of costume parties this Halloween, and I’ve never been to one before. Nor do I have a costume. I’d love to make my own, but I don’t have one creative bone in my body.

It’s getting closer and closer to Halloween, and I’m still trying to figure out this whole thing out —  who I want to be and all.

The thing is, I can’t find a thing out there. Everything is slutty.

Do all costumes for women have to be slutty? Do I have to be slutty in order to go to Halloween parties?

- The Lady Is Not a Tramp

Dear Lady,

Ah yes, ’tis the season for Whore-O-Ween. Where “liberated ladies” “express themselves” by hiking hemlines and swapping swathe for skin.

It’s truly the most wonderful time of the year. Unless you’re a woman, that is.

In this scenic season, it’s particularly difficult for a woman to keep a finger on the pulse of her dignity while navigating the waters of short, shorter, and would-make-a-napkin-jealous costuming. If at least one significant part of your fleshy regions isn’t dangerously exposed, then apparently, costume shops don’t want you partaking in the holiday. After all, it’s only Halloween attire if it’s preceded by the word “sexy.”

And now back to our regularly scheduled advice columnist — smacking sense into women since the late 1970s.

For some, this evolved norm actually begs the question as to whether these women are dressing up at all. But for you, it sounds as if you simply want to show up to the festivities without being the lone lame-o in the room that couldn’t be bothered to grab a shovel and call herself a gold digger.

But where do you start? Start with what you’ve already got. Remember when you were a slopes-slicin’ snow bunny? Dust off that ski jacket and goggles; you’re goin’ trick-or-treating. Is your toolbox exploding with Mr. Fix-It know-how? Grab your tool belt or a lone screwdriver — Bob (err, Bonnie) the Builder or Screwdriver Sally, here you come.

Those former hobbies that were cluttering up your garage? They just became your solution to a lack of creativity. Hellooo, Halloween!

But don’t stop there. Get even more resourceful. Everyone’s got an old costume collecting dust in a box somewhere. Ask friends — ones that value the bodily real estate that clothing covers, that is — what you can borrow. Chances are, they’re not as green as you in the costume party department.

Thrift stores are also a veritable gold mine for ideas and inspiration. Where else will a hideous matching vest and bandana prompt a Punky Brewster revival?

I could go on all day, but my editor needs my article before I can start my weekend. But I hope you get my point that the sky’s — and not your thighs — the limit when it comes to your alternate persona, come Oct. 31.

No matter what you decide to don, you have options — candy buckets full of them. Fortunately, baring your boobies doesn’t have to be one of them.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, ask me for advice, and I’ll be discrete. Send an e-mail to advice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook orTwitter, or leave a question in the comments below. My advice might scare you, but I’m actually quite harmless.

(Column originally published here.)

Venus de Milo once said, “A good love is delicious; you can’t get enough too soon.” But Patty Smyth argued, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough.”

What happens when a good love isn’t enough to fill you up? That’s what this week’s letter writer wants to know.

Dear Fayza,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. Everything is going perfect. We have a new baby, a new house and a nice life overall.

There’s just one thing. We’re not married or engaged. He has not asked, but if he did, I would say yes.

The problem is, I really want to be married. Even though we have all this, being married does matter to me. He’s never said much about marriage, although I would say that he’s the family man type.

I’m just not sure if we want the same things out of this arrangement. Is my boyfriend ever going to ask me to marry him or should I get out of this relationship?

- Sadie Hawkins

Dear Sadie,

Could you hang on a second? I’d like to pull up a rocking chair and grab my corncob pipe.

You see, we’ve got a classic case of putting the cart before the horse here. Well, it’s either that or the timeless conundrum of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Maybe if I chewed on this piece of straw a little more thoughtfully, I could cluck-cluck-cluck between the two schools of thought more deftly.

Now that my urge to pummel you with useless adages has been satiated, let’s move on so that I can pummel you with useful ones.

Disclaimer: I’m not a traditional girl, by any means. So if you’re expecting a lecture on “doing things out of order,” Joel Osteen’s holding an appointment open for you this Sunday at 8:30 a.m.

Nor am I too modern to question your desire to have your boyfriend make an honest woman out of you. There are plenty of practical reasons (hello, legal rights!) for wanting a more perfect union.

But I would like to spank your flanks for not squaring yourselves before life started happening. At some point, you most likely had lengthy discussions about procreation and purchasing real estate. What happened to the chat about holy matrimony? ‘Till death do us part pretty much completes the ideal of that circle of life trifecta — and perhaps something you might’ve prioritized when making decisions about the other two.

But it’s all shoulda woulda coulda, at this point. While this may be a fine time for asking these questions (not), there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk now.

You’re heavily invested in this relationship, and things seem to be going swimmingly. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Wrong. If marriage is important enough to you to consider leaving what is otherwise “perfect,” it absolutely must be addressed.

Right now, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of “new” going on. New addition to the family, new digs, and by many standards, a relatively new relationship (in the grand scheme of things).

You’ve had a lot happen in a generally short period of time. Your boyfriend may be just as mired as you are in adapting. He’s probably struggling to keep his head above water with all the big changes your relationship has gone through since the outset.

He may also have his own ideas about timing and finances — and it might not add up at present.

I’m confident you didn’t reach any of your previous milestones by reading each others’ minds. This one should be no different. If you want to be married, talk with him about it. Communicate this need to him — as you would with the groceries in the refrigerator, diapers for the baby, or whether he or you gets to be on top.

I know that isn’t particularly romantic, but you’re past the cutesy will-he-or-won’t-he stage, whether you realize it or not. It sounds to me as if you need him to shit or get off the pot already. Because if he ain’t ready to shit, you’re about to take your pot elsewhere.

Unlike many pre-engagement relationships, there’s so much to lose here that you really can’t afford to rely on clairvoyance. So start doing some talking — before you start walking.

Cheers,
Fayza

My advice is sage and better than any old adage. Send an e-mail toadvice@culturemap.com, message me on Facebook or Twitter, or leave a question in the comments below. Look before you leap — and ask me first.

We all have our completely irrational wishes. Well, I know I do. And I have always, always wished that someone would just call me up one day and offer me a free trip to wherever I wanted to go. That and tell me that I’m the proud owner of a cuddly monkey that doesn’t take bites out of human faces for dinner.

Fast forward to the digital age, where no one really uses phones anymore, and yet, it happened. Yes, it really did.

Well, not the monkey part, unfortch.

One day, I sat down at my desk, and I had an email from Ogilvy in New York City (which, of course, I thought was fake). They wanted to give me American Express Membership Rewards points — 150,000 of them, to be exact — so I could plan a weekend getaway. That I would take. For free. No strings attached. Unless you call writing about it “strings.”

I write for a living, man. I can’t think of any strings I’d like more.

So through the American Express Membership Rewards program and its nifty little Pay With Points feature, I’m going to pretend I’m, like, a legit cardmember and stuff, and use my 150,000 membership points to take a trip to …

Yeah, I have no idea.

Good thing I have you.

You see, there’s something in it for you, too, my friends. A $100 American Express gift card.

That’s right, American Express wants to buy your love, too.

You tell me where you think I should go, what you think I should do when I get there, and how I should skirt the law while I’m doing those things (KIDDING! I think). Whoever’s ideas rock the hardest gets a $100 American Express gift card. Just for making my travel itinerary happy.

While I figure out the ins and outs of the American Express Membership Rewards program, why don’t you leave me a few comments and tell me what the heck I should do with my 150,000 points?

And make ‘em good, lovies. I want to reward you.